I'm A Relationship Girl...and I LOVE Being Single!
Hello again, my readers! Well, it’s time again for another one of my stories…This week I’m going to talk a little about how I went from a co-dependent mentality where I needed to be in a relationship in order to feel secure and validated, to being completely independent of feeling like I needed a man in my life and loving single life more than I ever thought I could!
Ready to get stuck in?! Great, me too!
So, if you have been following my blog, you’ll know that for the past 16 years of my life I have jumped from one relationship to another with hardly any time in-between. The one exception was the 10 months after I moved from Cape Cod, Massachusetts to Yorktown, Virginia after I escaped my abusive situation with Voldemort.
If you’re new to my blog, you’re very welcome! I’m so glad you’ve decided to join our growing community! For context on my ex abuser, please read this blog post.
During this period of time, I did not have any kind of self-awareness, my confidence was non-existent, and I just did not have the strength in which to reflect on my past situations and see how and why all my relationships have failed and how I got to the point of letting myself get into an abusive situation. After the Air Force Guy and I broke up, (again, read this blog post for context) I had my usual knee-jerk reaction and tried to latch onto someone else almost immediately, because the need to fill the void was so strong.
I found myself in a few situations that had one of two outcomes; either I liked a guy, or I didn’t. Pretty simple, right? But do you know what the funny thing is? Out of the six very short-lived situations I found myself in with six different guys, the ones I actually liked ended up not being available to me after expressing interest. I liked three of these guys. The other three I had to end things with for one reason or another.
The reasons I had for ending things with the three guys included; lying to me, being possessive, just not being very physically attractive, complaining about having to wear a condom (seriously, grown-ass men still do this?! This earned him a whole lotta NOTHING that night) and various other reasons. Nothing too out of the ordinary when you’re on a hunt for a boyfriend.
But what I found very interesting was as soon as I actually was interested in a guy and deemed him attractive enough, tall enough, intelligent enough and I expressed any kind of interest, they would suddenly not be available. Two of these guys ended up having exes magically come back into their lives as soon as I arrived on the scene, and one other moved away just days after I asked him out for a drink (and he agreed!) and I’ve hardly heard from him since.
What the hell?!
This period of time spanned over several months before I really sat down and reflected on these various situations. I felt like these three guys were unjustly taken away from me before I even had a chance to make any kind of impact. And the only guys that showed interest in me were, in my opinion, unattractive, short, immature, needy, unable to hold a conversation and manipulative. So unfair!
But upon further reflection, I was able to take these lessons and apply them to my current situation. Why did I want a man in my life? I listed my reasons below.
Someone to hang out with - I have friends and family for that.
Someone to keep me company – again, friends and family are pretty much always available to me.
Someone for sex – did I really need this? If I needed to get off, I can do it myself better than any man.
Someone to confide in – again, friends and family. Plus, they’ve known me far longer and understand me better.
Someone to kiss and cuddle – this would be nice but, again, did I really need it? I decided no. I have stuffed animals to cuddle!
Someone to fill a void – This is never a good reason to want a partner, and I was working on filling these voids myself.
Someone to tell me they loved me – This was a hard one, but I realized that the last several ‘I love yous’ I got were fake (Voldemort). I decided I’d rather not hear it at all rather than hearing it and someone not meaning it. Plus…friends and family know how fabulous I am!
So, in conclusion, I can’t get anything from a man that I can’t give myself or get from people in my life that I am already close to, have known for years, grew up with and love more than any man. Also, these people in my life are permanent. They will be with me til the bitter end and they’re too important to me, and I them, to have any kind of falling out. Now that I’ve debunked all my reasons for wanting a man in my life, I could finally enjoy being single!!
So, here are my reasons for enjoying single life!
I’ve realized just how important my friends and family are
When I was co-dependent on a man and whatever relationship I was in at the time, that’s what my whole life revolved around. My work suffered, my friends were put on the back burner and my family weren’t too far behind. Now that I have decided to be single, I can enjoy all the things life has to offer outside of a relationship. I’ve spent a lot more time with my friends and family and reconnected on many different levels and have had so much fun in the process. Why did I ever put a guy before these people?!
I don’t need to have sex
Yeah, I’m in my early 30’s and its between now and my mid 30’s when a woman supposedly reaches her sexual peak. Sex is great and, don’t get me wrong, I do love it. But it’s not as important as I once thought it was to me. Like relationships, I once linked sex to my self-worth and that I’d somehow waste away if I wasn’t doing it. Now I can see just how silly that is. When I ended things with the guy who complained about putting on a condom, I realized how much having sex with a guy who doesn’t deserve me sucks. Thankfully I did not allow him to proceed, cut ties with him and continued on my way feeling very empowered indeed.
Besides all that, I like not having to shave my legs if I don’t need to. I enjoy not having to get a Brazilian wax if I don’t need to. I enjoy not having to worry about getting a small pimple on my arse. I enjoy not feeling like I have to keep my feet pedicured constantly. I enjoy not having to wear make-up if I don’t need to. I enjoy not having to have freshly washed hair all the time, I can skip a day here and there and use dry shampoo. I enjoy lounging around in my gym clothes.
Since I have taken sex out of my life, I feel so much less pressure, so much less worry and so much less stress.
I have a lot to offer someone who is on my level and, most importantly, deserves me. And, lets face it, when someone comes along who does deserve me, he’s not going to care if I don’t wear make up constantly, if I lounge in yoga pants, if I have a day’s growth on my legs and he definitely wont care about a small pimple upon the royal buttocks!
It’s given me time to improve myself
Being single has allowed me some time, free from the distraction of a man, to get to know myself again. It’s not been all good, but it’s been very productive. In the past when I was in a relationship, I would constantly neglect myself, my needs and my boundaries to please my man. As an ex co-dependent, I thought this was a very healthy and normal thing to do. But now I know that this is not healthy at all and any self-respecting, confident and assured man would not enjoy a woman like the past me.
Being single has allowed me to come to terms with some not-so-great-things about myself and has given me the time to fix them. I know what kind of man I eventually want in my life, and I’ll accept nothing less. But I also have to become the woman who deserves this kind of man. I can confidently say that I’m well on my way to becoming that woman. But do you know what the great thing is? That kind of woman doesn’t need a man, she’d maybe like one someday, but she doesn’t need one. A man will have to be amazing for her to allow him in her life.
So, in conclusion, being single is not as lonely or as sad as we’re made to believe. In my own experience, being single has proven to be less stressful and much more relaxed. I have a lot more time on my hands to dedicate to my family and friends, my writing, my work and my clients. I’m not constantly worrying about why I haven’t received a text or a phone call. I can guiltlessly not look at my phone for hours at a time on my days off and not worry about whether my man will be mad at me for not contacting him.
Funnily enough, I found that I’m much more complete as a person when I’m not in a relationship. I know myself better now than I ever have, I’m much stronger, I do not tolerate anyone disrespecting my boundaries, and I’m much more laid back and all round happier without a relationship.
If you find yourself newly single or unhappily single, give it a chance! You may really surprise yourself!
Until next week, much love,
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